


Without Someone

by Sashataakheru



Category: Traveling Wilburys, thenewno2
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Grief, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-28
Updated: 2011-09-28
Packaged: 2017-10-24 02:58:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/258170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after George’s death, around February 2002, in the UK. Grief for George becomes a catalyst for all sorts of unintended issues, some Jeff had tried his best to ignore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without Someone

**Author's Note:**

> This started life as [this little fic](http://wolfanfics.dreamwidth.org/15637.html), but as I read back over it some time later, there was more to tell. This is a much better and more complete version that sums up, for me, how they get together and begin their terribly angsty, not very healthy, sort of dysfunctional, 'we couldn't stop even if we wanted to' sort of relationship. :D?

"Y'know, I was your age when I met your dad for the first time. Didn't bloody sleep for three days afterwards," Jeff said.

"Yeah?" Dhani glanced over at him. He'd heard the story before, but he was never loath to stop him telling it. It always impressed him. People often found it weird he still had no real comprehension of just how big The Beatles had been. He had never lived it, and his dad had done his best to protect him from all that craziness. He had never quite understood the sort of devotion their fans had. Even now, Jeff still held on to that devotion. It was oddly touching.

"Yeah. Bigger than God they were," Jeff said softly, gazing up towards the Heavens as if challenging God to disagree. When nothing happened, he gazed down at the floor again.

It had been a couple of months since George had died. It seemed like a lifetime. Christmas had been incredibly difficult, not just for Dhani, but for Jeff as well. Jeff had done his best to comfort him. He was too young to have lost his dad. It didn't seem fair. Dhani had spent a lot of time with Jeff over the years, more often than not bringing his best mate Oli with him. That time together seemed even more important since his dad had died.

They were in Jeff's bedroom for no other reason than that was where Jeff had been when Dhani arrived. Their relationship had become one of intimate trust; no one but Dhani was able to let themselves in to Jeff's house, and he had done so when he'd needed him. They sat beside each other on the bed, hands gently touching, reassuring each other that they were both still real. It seemed easier than talking.

Still, in spite of inviting him around, Dhani's presence seemed empty, as if Jeff was still waiting for George to turn up and be with him again. He kept hearing his voice on the breeze, as if he was still around. Maybe there was something to that whole life after death thing after all. Of course, they still had George's last album to complete. They were just sorry he wouldn't be there to hear it when it was done. They hadn't even started yet, and Jeff could tell there'd be a whole lot more grieving to come. He hoped it would be cathartic.

Dhani looked at him, studying the emotions on his face. He wasn't hiding behind his glasses for once. It made him seem vulnerable. Dhani thought he'd seen more than perhaps Jeff had anticipated.

"You really loved him, didn't you? My dad, I mean," Dhani said softly, staring at the floor.

Tears caught in his throat as he spoke. "Yeah, I did. Great man. You look just like him, you know. I can see him in your eyes, staring back at me."

Dhani turned to look at him. Their eyes met and silence fell over them. Dhani clasped his hand properly.

"It'll be alright. We'll finish it for him," Dhani murmured.

"Yeah, we will. It'd be an honour," Jeff said.

Dhani curled up next to him. Jeff wrapped a protective arm around his shoulders. Dhani seemed so very young and innocent then. Jeff had never felt so old and worthless. Neither quite knew what to say next. Neither spoke for a long time. They sat in silence, just being close. Dhani was sure he could hear Jeff crying. Jeff broke the silence.

"He kissed beautifully," Jeff murmured, voice barely audible. It was a confession only Dhani was allowed to hear.

Jeff wasn't sure why he'd said it. He'd never been brave enough to brag about such an intimate relationship. It was never something he was ever comfortable talking about. But now, perhaps, Dhani should know. He wasn't sure why, but something made him speak. He felt ashamed as he sat there beside Dhani. No one was ever supposed to know about that. About his queerness. He covered his face with his hands, trying to hold back his tears.

"You never told anyone, did you?" Dhani said quietly.

"Of course not. It's not the sort of thing you tell," Jeff said.

"Were you the only one? Or were there others?" Dhani said.

"I dunno, I never asked. I jus' know what me an' yer dad had together. I'd never have asked. I never did. It wasn't any of my business who else he slept with," Jeff said.

"Would you show me?" Dhani said, inquisitively. He had discovered a side of his father that he hadn't known about. He wasn't sure what he wanted from Jeff. Perhaps it was understanding. However, he couldn't have articulated it even if he had known.

Jeff hesitated a moment. He knew he shouldn't do anything. It seemed wrong to assume that Dhani would be the same as his father, that he should even want to do this with him, someone he'd loved as if he were his own son, and yet… There was a longing in Dhani's eyes that wanted to know. Jeff couldn't ignore that. Instinctively, just the same way he did with George, he gently cupped the boy's face and kissed him.

That he wasn't kissing George hurt. That his son would see this side of him, of them both, hurt. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He pulled back and looked at him. Dhani saw a tear roll down his cheek.

"You alright?" Dhani said.

"You're not your dad, and I should stop thinking you are," Jeff said.

"It's okay to miss him, you know. You are allowed to grieve," Dhani said.

"But it's not okay to replace him with you. I don't think he'd want that. What would he say if he knew? I don't wanna think about that," Jeff said.

"I think he'd understand, given the circumstances," Dhani said.

"What are you on about?" Jeff said.

"I miss him, Jeff. You loved him. Can you love me?" Dhani said.

"You don't really mean that. You're just grieving still. It wouldn't be right," Jeff said.

Dhani thought about replying but he wasn't in the mood for discussion. Gently, he kissed Jeff again, taking the first step rather than wait for him to do so. It was a catalyst to what would follow.

Jeff held him, surprised by his desire to keep Dhani close to him, as if he was afraid he too would slip out of his grasp if he let him go. He'd already lost George. He wasn't going to lose Dhani too.

Dhani wrapped his arms around his neck. "Just comfort me. Just for the moment. That's all I need right now," he murmured.

It was a hard request to refuse. Dhani needed him. Jeff would answer his call. He gently lay him down and held him close, treating him as if he were the most precious thing in the world. It was like having George with him again, albeit a much younger George than the one he was used to. He wasn't George, of course, but that didn't matter. Maybe it did. Jeff decided not to think about it.

Dhani interrupted his reverie. "Jeff, did he – did my dad always-"

Jeff paused and looked at him, trying to read his expression. "You sure you want to know that?"

"I-I don't know anymore," Dhani decided.

Jeff sympathised, he really did. But of course Dhani wasn't George. George was gone. Dhani was all that was left. Jeff was more delicate with him than he'd been with anyone in a long time. He didn't want to break him. That would be disastrous.

Dhani loved his rhythm. It was totally different from the times he'd slept with Oli. Jeff was bigger than him, but he didn't feel domineering. He felt - he felt right. Protective. Dhani could trust him completely. He clung to him and let go, at least for a while.

They lay still and silent afterwards. The moment of need had passed. Jeff cradled Dhani in his arms, not because he was upset, but because it seemed right. Jeff kissed his forehead gently, brushing a hand through his hair.

"Don't worry, Dhan, we'll do him proud, you and me together," Jeff murmured.

Dhani didn't reply. Jeff glanced down and saw he'd fallen asleep. He smiled. He shifted ever so gently so as not to wake him and tucked him into bed. Dhani shifted slightly, one eye watching him leave before closing to the world again. Jeff gave Dhani a soft kiss goodnight, dressed quietly and left him to sleep.

* * *

Jeff had never told anyone. It had never mattered. Why he had waited so long, when he had a family now and was probably far too old for it to matter, was anyone's guess. Then again, it had taken him that long to stop writing songs about the characters in his head and let his own voice shine out, so perhaps it wasn't that surprising.

That was all George's fault, that last part. Hell, everything had been George's fault. Jeff had managed to avoid being seen as queer for so long it had become habit. And it wasn't as if life had been without pleasure either. Women had many good points. Hell, he'd married two of them, excepting how badly those relationships had ended.

It was just… It was different, and Jeff refused to think about it. If he refused to think about it and deal with it, no one could call him on it. He could just pretend he was normal like he'd done all his life. It hurt less that way. If no one knew he was queer, no one could hurt him for it. He'd seen that happen enough to know he didn't want it happening to him.

Of course, none of that justified the infrequent sexual encounters with various band members over the years, of course, even if they were sometimes more frequent than he liked to admit. It was not something he was proud of, and going over those memories again made him feel dirty and ashamed. There were times he was glad not to see them again once the relationship failed, and they always failed. It wasn't that they were all casual flings either; some he had been very close to, and that, perhaps, was more the reason than any other. Jeff had had his heart broken one too many times for reasons he had never quite understood. Running away from the pain, pretending it had never happened, was much easier. The shame went away. He could forgive himself then.

And he didn't think about it, not until George turned up. His initial nervousness was soon dispelled and they grew very close. There wasn't a distinct shift from close friends to lovers. It was a gradual thing, as George slowly coaxed Jeff out of his shell to show him that side of him he'd hidden away his whole life. Slowly, he seduced his terrified heart into accepting love again.

And then, once he'd been corrupted, as Jeff liked to jokingly refer to it, George introduced him to others like them. There they were, all his heroes, sitting together in one room. The only word Jeff would ever have to describe it was magic, and he shared some magical moments with some of them too. He felt they were probably the only reason he hadn't fallen apart when he'd heard his mother had suddenly died. George had been there to dry his tears and tell him everything would be alright, even if Jeff didn't believe him.

But all that was over now, memories left long ago in the past. Georgie was gone. His mother was gone. Even his old house back in Birmingham was gone, demolished as if it meant nothing. Somehow, the world seemed less bright than it had before. Everything he loved was being taken away from him, there were so many goodbyes he hadn't been able to say, and all he had left were bitter memories he probably should've dealt with by now. He felt he had no one to confide in. Oh, there were girls, friends and other distractions, sure. But no one _like him_. No one like George. He was back in the closet, not that he'd ever really left it, and tried to get on with his life, if the grief would let him.

Dhani's presence in his life hadn't helped matters, not when he looked so much like his father. It was incredibly touching that Dhani had come to him after his dad had died. It was a visible sign of just how close they were. Jeff had watched little Dhani grow up. It was as close as he would ever get to fatherhood. He'd never had much of a chance at it with his own children, and by now, it was too late. They were strangers to him now. Still, as much as Jeff loved the boy, his devotion was always to George. Well, it had been, until that night. Dhani had asked for comfort, and Jeff had obliged, as much as it had hurt afterwards.

He sunk to the floor, apologising to George for his indiscretion. He still wasn't sure why he'd agreed to do it, but the more he thought about it, as much as he hated himself for doing it, the more he realised he'd never have said no.

* * *

Dhani tried to sleep. He lay there, eyes closed to the world, trying to sleep. It almost worked, but he kept thinking about Jeff. About what they'd just done. Maybe he should go see if he was alright. Dhani waited a moment before he slipped out of bed and opened the door a crack, enough to watch him. He did so not out of malicious intent, but out of curiosity and concern.

Out in the hall, away from Dhani, Jeff wondered if he'd done the right thing. And then he wanted George back and all the emotion he'd managed to keep in check so far broke free. Jeff sunk to the floor, sobbing, silently asking George for forgiveness.

"Come back, ya bastard. Come back."

But there was no George, just never-ending darkness and Jeff's tears.

Dhani, unobserved, quietly closed the door and went back to bed. He felt a little bad for witnessing such a private moment, and for initiating what had happened between them. Perhaps it was Jeff who needed him more than he needed Jeff.

Dhani crawled into bed. He figured he'd give Jeff some space. It was late. He really should sleep, but he wasn't particularly tired. He glanced over at one of the bedside tables. There was a small framed photo of Jeff and his dad, arms around each other, smiling. He picked it up for a closer look. He'd lost his best mate when he'd lost his dad. Then again, so had Jeff.

* * *

It was the drumming echoing through the house hours later that gave him away. Dhani knew his habits too well. He almost left him alone again, he'd been woken from a light sleep, but he felt they needed to talk. Dhani felt he should apologise.

Heading downstairs, he watched from the doorway, wondering when Jeff might notice he was there. Eventually, Jeff caught sight of him and turned away from him, drumming even more furiously in a bid to forget he was there. Dhani took a chance to approach him.

"Am I ever going to get you to talk?" Dhani said, grabbing hold of one of the cymbals with his hands.

Jeff stopped. He glanced up at him and Dhani wasn't sure he was entirely grateful to see him. "What's there to talk about?"

"Don't you shut down on me. I saw you crying before. What's wrong? Did I ask too much of you?"

Jeff stood and walked away from him. "Y'don't know just how hard this is. I shouldn't be – I just… I did that with you and I don't know if I should've done it. Feels wrong, y'know? I shouldn't - I shouldn't think about you like that. Yer just a kid. You're just grieving still."

Dhani reached out to him. "No, you're right. I'm sorry, Jeff. I shouldn't have- I won't ask again, alright?"

Jeff almost pulled away, but he turned to face him. He pulled him close, hugging him tight. "No, no, it's alright. It's okay. Y'don't - hate me do you? Fer doing that?"

Dhani could hear his heart beating in his chest. "Why would I hate you? It happened. We both needed it, yeah? That's all it was. You'd never hurt me, I know you wouldn't, and I can't hate you for that. But I won't ask again, I promise. It's too much for you, isn't it? I'm sorry. I didn't know who else to turn to. I don't have my dad anymore. I need someone to tell me things are going to be alright."

Jeff stroked his hair gently. He didn't want to let go of him. Dhani felt like the only precious thing he had left. "You look too much like yer dad. It just hurts too much. He's not here and you're all I've got left. I wouldn't have said no, not for you. I can't say no to you. I feel like I gotta look after you now, an' if that's sometimes what you need, that's alright."

The tinge of grief in his voice made Dhani hug him tight. Jeff tried to comfort him again, though not in the same manner as before. Jeff didn't like seeing him upset. It was Dhani who kissed him, slowly, gently, and Jeff found a tear or two rolling down his cheek.

"It'll be alright, Dhani. I know it hurts, but it'll get better, I promise."

Dhani held onto him. "How can it possibly get better? Dad's not here."

Jeff pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Come on, let's go to bed. You need sleep. We'll talk in the morning."


End file.
